I Refuse To Let Go
by Sexy-Foxface
Summary: I refused to let go of this precious thing we call life that one time, but now does it really matter? Dane Naylor is a boy who must face his own demons that threaten to tear him down until there is nothing left of him. Just one simple sip was all it took to force it into becoming a sweet toxic addiction. Not all careers are as strong as they appear and Dane knows this well.
1. That Familiar Sensation

I lay there staring up at the sky lost by the image of the countless stars, so bright and carefree. I focus on each one trying to fight the gnawing temptation eating away at my insides.

Just one drink will help me sleep better. Just one wouldn't hurt right? How many times have I said that to myself? Just one simple drink leads to an entire bottle at least by that point I can't think anymore.

Nothing matters at the point. Just the warmth of the liquor burning down my throat. I pull myself off the ground and start to walk home. I need to keep my promise to Harper. But one drink she would never know. I make a quick detour on my way home and buy a bottle of rum.

I now sit in the middle of my kitchen the bottle placed in front of me. I roll the cap in my fingers having a mental war with myself.

Just one sip how much could it hurt? One sip could push me over the edge send me to the oblivion where I won't ever open my eyes again.

I shakily pick up the bottle and bring it closer to my lips. Why do I need this to feel good about myself? I shouldn't need it when I have Harper.

But it's a sickness an addiction every part of me aches for the soothing taste of this rum I hold cautiously in my hands.

I bring the bottle to my lips and one sip is all it takes. I don't even grimace at the strength anymore it has become a familiar sensation.

I hold the bottle in front of me and look at it angrily. "What have you done to me!" I scream at seemingly nothing as I throw the bottle against the wall. Shards of glass and spilt rum scatter all over the floor. I lean against the counter and pull my knees to my chest. "What have I done to myself?"

I pull myself from the floor nothing matters anymore. I slam the door of my room shut behind me the impact shaking the entire house.

I grab the chair from my desk and shove it under the door handle. That way nobody can get to me.

I kneel down at the side of the bed and search for what seems like hours, but in reality is only a few simple seconds. And then I feel my hand on the cool glass bottle. I take the vodka and sit cross legged on my bed.

I dangle the bottle in front of face focusing on the one thing that has remained constant in my life. I never have to be afraid of alcohol hurting me. I only have to be afraid of it ending me.

In an instant the bottle is at my lips and the burning liquid rushes down my throat. My mind blurs slightly and all I can hear is the deafening sound of the clock ticking. The noise is enough to drive me insane.

Without thinking the bottle is at my lips again half of its contents already in my system. I don't stop until the bottle is empty and I collapse backwards onto my bed covering my ears. The horrid sound of the clock continues to echo through the room my brain threatening to spilt.

Everything feels wrong nothing is right. The bottle drops from my hand crashing to the floor my eyes are slowly closing. "My old friends are you finally taking my life?" 

I need to open my eyes, but I can't. They feel heavy and against all my will remain closed.

What I have just done is selfish. I feel Harper clinging onto me desperately asking me to wake up, but I don't. I can hear the soft cries of Sapphire, but she sounds so distant unreachable.

I have always said one drink couldn't hurt and where has that landed me? Lying in my bed clutching onto the fragile thread that is my life.

Do I want to die right now? Maybe I do. End the pain that is always toying at my heart.

The betrayal I feel for being with Harper when I had Sapphire. I loved her I still do maybe I deserve this. To be laying here about to leave this world.

But is it my time? That really is a question I can't answer. I need to wake up, but there's that selfish part of me telling me to stop fighting and just accept what I have brought upon myself.

This isn't the first time I have tried this, so what would make this the last time?

I open my eyes and keep them open refusing to let go of this precious thing called life.

Does it really matter now that I refused to let go as my name is being called out for the reapings.

"The male tribute for District 1 for the 45th Annual Hunger Games is Dane Naylor!"

I walk up to the stage and stand next to my District partner Avery Valentine I don't even bother shaking her hand.

I refused to let go and death is still what will await me.

**So please review and let me know what you think. ^^**


	2. Holding Onto A Memory

I sit in a hallway of the train my knees pulled up to my chest. I refused to go to the Justice Building, so they brought me straight here.

I couldn't face her. I wouldn't be able to stand the pain written across Harper's face as she knows she will be losing me. I am weak I won't stand a chance even though I appear intimidating due to my size I'm mentally drained.

The internal war that rages in me is a never ending cycle. I have to drink, I shouldn't drink, I need to drink. I need it I crave it the burning thirst for it never ceases. Even now I sit here my fists clenched relentlessly tapping my foot against the floor. I can't give in, so easily no matter how much I want to.

The train slowly begins to move. With every moment that flies out of my grasp I am brought just that much closer to my death. I glance down at my shaky hands it's been two days since I've had a drink and the effects are already weighing heavily on me. I just need one drink to ease my troubled mind.

_Oh Dane how much could one drink really hurt?_

That one simple question continues to bounce around in my head until a voice shatters my thoughts.

"What the hell are you doing?" I turn slightly to see my District partner Avery standing there with her hands on her hips.

"I'm sitting on the floor what does it look like?" I say back harshly.

She quirks her lips up in slight amusement, "Oh you've got a little bit of spunk there I like that."

All I do is roll my eyes I want nothing to do with this girl, "If you know what's good for you you'll leave me the hell alone."

Her face quickly drops as she no longer looks impressed, "I will not be spoken to that way. I am going to be the leader of the career pact, so you might want to show me some respect."

I am already on edge and she is just making everything worse. I stand up taking a step closer to her. My body easily towers over hers. I could effortlessly cast her aside in one swift movement. It would be simple.

"Maybe I don't want anything to do with the pathetic excuse that will be the career pact this year," I say through my teeth.

The more I crave the soothing sensation of liquor the easier it is to aggravate me. The anger courses through my veins, everything that gets to me broils to the surface.

She glares at me for a moment before she speaks," Fine, then I assure you that you will be number one on my kill list."

At these words I shove her aside causing her to collapse to the floor. I briskly walk away to the sounds of her cursing at my retreating figure.

I wander like a lost soul travelling through a void with seemingly no place to go. I appear emotionless as I wander until I find a room with my name on it. I push open the door slamming it closed behind me, as a way to work out some of my building frustration.

I flop down on the bed in the center of the room and sink into the sheets. I wish I could just sink through the floor and disappear forever. My eyes drift close and my mind wanders to something anything that can distract me from my addiction that threatens to destroy me.

My mind goes to a time when things were happier and simpler; a time when I didn't feel the pressure of my addiction crushing my chest.

Harper and I are sitting in our meadow staring up at the stars. She is curled up at my side her head resting on my chest. The simplest touch from her is enough to give me goose bumps and make my skin tingle.

"The stars are lovely tonight," She whispered quietly cutting the silence the flitted around us.

"Aren't they always," I answered back to her.

She nods softly and falls silent for a few moments.

I used to always feel comfort at moments like those. Even in the silence as long as I was with Harper everything just felt right.

I always knew I loved her even when we were just little kids. Everything about her drew me to her and I wanted nothing more than to keep her close and hold her. I always wanted to tell her how I felt, but I was always too afraid, but something about that night was different.

"Coco?" I say using my childhood nickname for her. She always loved chocolate and the sweet name seemed fitting for her.

"Yes Jellybean?" She answers using my embarrassing nickname.

I hesitate for a moment, but before I could stop myself I breathe out, "I love you."

She rolled over to face me and looked into my eyes.

Her eyes are a clear ocean blue and always look so serene and peaceful.

"Jellybean what did you just say?"

"I-I said I love you."

A smile spread across her face and in a moment her lips were on mine. At that moment everything melted away. It was as if all of Panem vanished and it was only her and I.

"I love you to," She whispered against my lips.

I try to hold onto that memory as long as I can how sweet her voice sounded as she whispered those words; and how soft and perfect her lips felt against mine.

My bliss is quickly interrupted to the sound of shattered glass as my mind falls to the memory of that night I tried to kill myself.

What drove me to that point? I wish I knew.

I close my eyes tightly trying to push the memory away, but all I can hear is the frantic cries of Harper as my mind drifts into nothingness.

**So I would really appreciate some feedback to see if people are interested in this story and if I should keep writing it or not. ^^Oh and a little shout out to Claire-DaThug since Harper was created by her!**


	3. How Clearly Can They See me?

They have branded me a career, but I am anything but. Trained from birth I was, but I am not unbreakable. Careers are supposed to be strong the toughest of the lot. But here I am trembling from my weakness. The craving for that burning liquid wraps it's way around my veins; intertwining itself throughout my entire being. I rest my head against the cool glass and gaze outside the window. Colors blur across my vision painting my world in a series of flashing images. My eyes are drawn to the towering city that draws closer and closer each time I blink my eyes.

The buildings stand tall like I once used to. I used to be proud of who I was; proud that I was from District 1. How funny it is a few simple experiences can change your entire lookout on life. How a few simple drops of scarlet can ruin one's mind; forcing you to go to desperate measure to find a way to escape. My escape has always been alcohol. The way it blurs my memories causing me to feel numb and in a way almost peaceful; disturbingly peaceful. Once the effects start to kick in its feels like the calm before the storm. It can only stop my brain from turning for, so long. When that feeling fades it's as if all my memoires come crashing back down on me at once. Flooding my head with images and sounds I long to be rid of.

"Dane, dear were about to arrive in the Capitol. Come out to the main compartment, so everyone can get a good look at you," The sing song voice of our escort Jasmine drifts through my door. They just want to show me off; give them something to look at. How they love the careers, they love how ruthless and bloodthirsty we normally turn out to be. Of course they would love us all they want it a good show and that is exactly what they are going to get.

I open my door and head towards the main compartment. My addiction is a major setback that will hinder me in the arena, but a thought dawns on me for the first time; I want to make it home. I refused to let go that night a few months ago and I refuse to let my life be snatched away from my clutches now. I may not feel like it most of the time, but I am a career. I will not be going down without a fight.

I walk into the main compartment and ignore Avery as she waves me over to the dining table. Instead I walk over to the window where the beauty of the city engulfs my eyes. Everything is pristine shimmering colors of silver and gold's. In some ways it reminds me much of home; with its towering buildings and clean cut streets. I close my eyes briefly and picture home. I can see the training center with the sounds of possible tributes training blend together in perfect harmony. I used to spend much of my time there perfecting my skills. Even as a child I had an unnatural talent with a sword. How I miss the familiar feel of the steel in hands. I used to crave the feel of my blade, but now I crave the feel of that burning liquid. I let my mind wander to the desirable thought of the kind of weapons they will have in the Capitol. If I can just stay strong and fight my addiction. I bite my lip softly willing myself to just push those thoughts away. If I don't let think about it the temptation won't start to get to me. I breathe in sharply as I realize how false this is. No matter what I do it will continue to eat away at me.

I open my eyes to the sight of Capitol people cheering and waving madly. They are all dying for a little shred of my attention. I need to act the part of a career. I flash that confident smile that is a trademark look to most careers and wave back at the crowd.

"For someone who was, so hostile earlier you sure seem to be enjoying all the attention," Avery says as she stands next to me also waving at the crowd.

"Looks can be deceiving; especially here in the Games," I say back to keeping my voice calm.

I need to learn to keep my temper under control. Making enemies the moment I arrive in the Capitol will only hinder my chances of winning. I know that if I want to win I may need to rely on others to help me reach the top. Manipulation is not something that is new to the Games. The art of using one another was born in the first Games; that has not changed not even after forty four years of bloodshed.

She leans casually against the window studying me closely, "So, you're pulling the whole mysterious act now."

"Maybe I am; maybe I'm not."

She quirks her lip up in slight amusement, "I still think you could be useful in an alliance; my offer still stands if you want to reconsider."

I run over the positive and negatives of the offer of an alliance. If I am to accept I will have to fight harder than ever to stay in control of my addiction. They cannot know that I am weak and fragile. But will I be able to stay in control? How easy it can be for me to slip up if put under the right circumstances. With the promise of the pressure and stress to run high; my chances of loosing myself to my addiction greatly increase.

"I will think about it," I say to her as I turn away from her and sit down at the dining table across from my mentor. Drayton Cohen the victor of the 40th Annual Hunger Games. I being eighteen he is only a few years older than I am. But the horrors he was already suffered through greatly surpass my own. He turned out to be the most ruthless killer the Capitol had ever seen in years. Destroying life after life as if it was easier than breathing itself.

"Going the arena alone may not be the wisest decision for you. You're a career the other tributes will be sure to pick you off first if you're on your own," Drayton says to me his tone slightly on edge.

"I wouldn't even give them the chance to get close to me."

He leans in closer, so only I can hear his voice, "Don't think that I have no idea what you are Dane. I wasn't crowned victor for nothing. I can see the way your eyes keep twitching towards that alcohol bottle on the table that you desire its taste. I can tell by the way you keep clenching and unclenching your fists that it's taking all your strength not to reach over and drink its contents until you are left with nothing, but that feeling of numbness."

I stare at him while he leans back in his chair. How easily he is able to read me; keeping himself one step ahead of the game. I can only hope that the other tributes can't see me so clearly. The sound of our escort's voice grabs my attention as she leads Avery and me from the train.

Bathed in the golden light of the sun I can see now these games were never meant to be easy.


	4. This Alliance Will Not Stand Strong

The next few hours I would much rather forget. I am examined like a piece of meat as my prep team swarms me like a pack of vultures. They tug relentlessly at my hair until it shimmers a golden blonde in the light that pales through the window. They scrub my skin until it is flawless. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and the boy I see is a stranger to me. I haven't looked quite this healthy in years. My familiar dark circles from lack of sleep have been erased from my face. My muscles from years of training stand out proudly. This boy is a stranger to me and nothing more. I know the real boy this imposter masks and nobody can know he exists.

Once they are finished their work they stand back and observe my naked body. I don't like the way their eyes are all trained on me; it's unsettling. I know they are only concerned about looks, but I worry they will try to see past my surface. They ask me questions as we wait for my stylist, but I can't be bothered to give them an ounce of my attention. I have my angle figured out. I'll be playing the hostile confident role. How much of an act is this really? I've always been hostile towards those around me especially once I fell into my addiction. I brought this all upon myself and I don't want anyone's help, or pity.

Another hour seems to drag by as my stylist dresses my up like some sort of doll. In a suit that sparkles from every angle I walk down to the main hall to wait to be escorted to the carriages. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin at this moment and I long to be rid of this costume. My skin starts to crawl as that sensation brought on from withdrawal works its way through my veins. It has been four days now since the taste of alcohol had touched my lips. I lick my lips longingly for the bitter flavors, but quickly stop myself. I can't show weakness not when soon the eyes of Panem will be on me.

"Well don't you look handsome," I turn around at the sound of Avery's voice. She is dressed in a costume similar to my own, but she seems to be enjoying this process of dress-up much more than myself.

I shrug lightly, "Well I would be insulted if you said otherwise."

She walks over to me linking our arms; it takes all my strength not to pull away from her, "Well how about you escort your lovely District partner to the carriages? I think it's about time we met the other careers."

I briefly remember the other careers from watching the recap of the reapings. Our mentor instructed us to focus on who may pose the greatest threat to us, but my mind was elsewhere. All I need to focus on about them is that they will try to kill me when I no longer serve them any purpose; which is why I intend on never giving anyone the chance to take my life.

In the bright light that bombards us as we walk into the chariot waiting area I observe my surroundings. Twenty two other young men and woman who are all fighting just as hard as I am to keep their life. My life is not for the taking and I won't let anyone one of these people no matter how much of a fighter they may be snatch my life from beneath my feet.

"Oh, there are the other careers over there," Avery says excitedly as she drags me over to a small group of tributes. As careers we always stand out compared to the lower Districts. I observe each of them carefully as we approach them. The boy from 2 is smaller than the average career, but the way his eyes keep twitching around the room gives him the look like he can't wait to sink his teeth into someone's neck. The girl from 2 has long dark brown hair and appears bored as she casually picks at her nails with a small pocket knife. The male from 4 is almost as tall as I am, but one look at him and you can see that he is more brawn than brains.

As we reach the group the girl from 4 comes twirling towards us, "Well it's about time the pair from 1 showed up," Her golden hair cascades down her back as she looks at me with crystal blue eyes.

"Sorry, it took someone's prep team longer to make Avery look even close to presentable," I say as I look at Avery and pull my arm away from her. The girl from 2 snickers at my comment.

Avery glares at me as the girl from 4 walks closer and places her fingers lightly on my chest, "Well big boy you have a little bit of spunk don't you?" She bats her eyelashes at me and I mentally roll my eyes. I can already see that this girl loves to play with her prey.

"The name is Dane not big boy," I respond to her as I take a step back from her hand.

"No need to act, so cold with me big boy," She says with a wink. "Now let me introduce everyone. That over there is Sterling," She points over to her District partner. "That is Damien," She gestures to the boy from District 2. "And that is-"

The girl from 2 cuts her off before she can finish her sentence, "I can introduce myself thank you very much," She retorts as she flicks a piece of hair out of her face. "The names Foe."

The girl from 4 places her hands on her hips not looking impressed about being cut off, "Well now that she is finished rudely interrupting me I can introduce myself. I'm Aqua Marie and I will be the leader of this year's career pact!"

I glance at Avery and can see the anger reflected in her eyes. I know she had intentions to be the leader; already I can tell there will be arguments between this so called alliance.

"Sorry to break it to you turquoise or whatever color your name is, but I am the leader of this alliance," Avery says this as she glares daggers at Aqua.

"First of all sweetheart the name is Aqua, so next time you better get it right. Second of all a pathetic girl like you could never even dream of reaching the standards the leader of the careers needs to achieve," Aqua's voice is layered with bitterness.

"Pathetic? I have been training my entire life for this! And no golden haired b*tch like yourself is going to stand in my way," Avery narrows her eyes at Aqua and I can see that unless someone bothers to step in this is going to end badly.

A smirk spreads across Aqua's face as if she's pleased with how easily she has worked up Avery, "I could easily turn everyone in this group against you, so I would watch that tongue of yours. Now unless you want to be kicked out of this alliance and have me personally make sure you are dead at the end of the bloodbath you will walk away to your carriage right now."

Much to my surprise Avery actually walks away cursing under her breath towards our carriage. "Now that we have the leader sorted out we shall meet up after the ceremony to discuss strategy," Aqua giggles and walks off with her District partner to stand by her carriage.

I look up to see the boy from District 2 has already left and just the girl from 2 is left standing there observing me closely. "In my opinion that had to have been the most pathetic b*tch fight I have ever seen. I was kind of hoping they would start clawing each other's eyes out; would have been my entertainment for the night."

I laugh lightly at her comment, "I assume you think you could take them both on easily?"

Foe cracks her knuckles mockingly, "No, I assume I could take them both on as well as you easily."

"I would like to see you even try," I say as I cross my arms.

"We have plenty of time for that in the arena big boy," She mocks Aqua's voice and laughs as she heads to her carriage.

I shake my head and walk towards my own carriage. At this moment I have yet to really decide if I want to be a part of the career pact or not. The only person I could see myself trusting; if I was capable of trust anymore would be Foe. I run over my choices as I walk into my carriage completely ignoring Avery. I block out her voice as she yells at me for not standing up for her. In all honestly I could care less.

Now bathed in the bright lights of the city with the loud drone of cheers ringing in my ears is the time to act. I plaster a confident grin on my face as I make my way down the aisle with Avery at my side. She reaches for my hand wanting to put on a show for the Capitol, but I quickly pull my hand away not giving her the satisfaction. I am nobodies play toy.

Besides the whispers in my head urging me to break down and drink I will stand tall for now. Despite everything I am not about to crumble. There has to be more to life than this. There has to be more to life than drowning out the world with the numbness my drinking brings on. And once I am crowned victor I will find out what more to life there is.


	5. An Offer I Couldn't Refuse

My costume lays discarded on the floor as I sit cross legged on my bed. I exhale trying to rid myself of the feelings of anxiety that have interwoven their way into my veins from having so many eyes on me. I slowly begin to regain control over my mind as I stare straight ahead of me. This is the time I need to choose my path to take in these games. The only question that floats through my mind is do I want an alliance or not? An alliance could work in two ways; they could either tear me down, or help me rise from the ashes.

I lie back on my bed and begin counting the tiles as a way to distract myself. This technique only lasts for a few brief moments before the sound of shattering bottles enters my ears. Another illusion; just a game my mind is playing with me. Not only must I fight against twenty three other tributes I must fight against myself. I cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes tightly. I will not succumb to my addiction; I can't allow it to rein over me anymore. My skin tingles lightly and I begin to scratch at my flesh until it is raw. I clench my fists at my sides as a way to stop myself from continuing to claw away at my skin.

I sit back up and bury my head in my hands. What led me up to this point? What drove me to that point of no return where I turned to alcohol as a way to solve my problems? I breathe out slowly knowing exactly what happened in my life that made me turn in the direction I chose. It happened so many years ago yet I still let it get to me; those series of events that played a great role in how I would develop as I grew up.

It all started when I was six and my father forced me to start straining along my older brother Hunter. I have always been jealous of him; he is perfect in the eyes of my parents something I could never live up to. It may have seemed petty, but to feel overshadowed all the time was something that is difficult to deal with for one so young. To be deprived of that emotion labelled as love takes a great toll on a child as they develop.

As the years went on this is when my competitive side began to show. I was always acting out as a way to draw attention to myself, but that would quickly change as I grew up. I stand up and walk over towards the large mirror set up against the wall. I pull off my shirt in one fluid movement and turn my back towards the glassy surface and observe the large scar that runs the entire length of my back. That scar given to me in a fit of jealousy from my brother all because he would never be able to use a sword as well as I could. That scar has stood out prominently against my skin for five years now and I know it will never fade. It will forever be a constant reminder of the family I was thrown out of.

I clench my fists at my sides as I recall the memory of the night I was tossed aside as if I really was worth nothing.

I was only eleven as the blood soaked into my shirt and my vision became blurry along the edges.

"I told you not to ever try and show me up Dane," Hunter's cold voice swirled around me as I struggled to stand up again.

"Wait till father sees what you did," I spat out at him as I looked up at with nothing but hate in my eyes.

"He would never believe you; I have always been the favorite. I'll just tell him you went into a fit of jealously and attacked me first and what I did was purely out of self defence. Now I just need to make this all believable," His tone was harsh as he brought his knife down slashing his own flesh only wincing slightly at the contact of the blade against his skin.

I remember watching each scarlet droplet fall down to the ground; standing out against the once white floor.

Hunter was right when he said my father would never believe a single word that spilt out of my mouth.

"Dane, you have been nothing but a burden even when you were young. I tried to fix you to make you someone that I could be proud of, but I see now I am trying to do the impossible. I am done wasting my time on a boy who I can't even bring myself to call son anymore," With those brutal words swarming my ears I was forced to leave to live with my grandfather; a man who paid even less attention to me then my parents did.

I remember clearly the smug look on Hunter's face as he watched me walk down the front steps for what would be my last time. I have not spoken a word to him since that day five years ago.

This is when the drinking started at eleven years old I never thought I would feel so alone and these feelings of abandonment I wanted nothing more than to silence. This is when I turned to alcohol to numb out these feelings. At first I felt as if I could take on the world, but those feelings to began to fade as I grew up. The drinking only got worse with my age as the choking feeling of an addiction began to bubble to my surface.

"Pathetic," I mumble at my reflection that continues to look back at me. How did I allow them to push me to that point? Why would I allow them to do that to me? Why would I allow me to do this to myself?

At this I begin to feel anger towards myself as I slip my shirt back over my head. My choices led me to this point; my fault. I push open my door and just about knock Avery to the floor.

"Where the hell were you? All the careers were supposed to meet up so we could discuss strategy," She crosses her arms as she looks up at me and right now I want nothing to do with anyone including her.

"Get the hell out of my way before I knock you out of the way," I narrow my eyes at her letting her know I am serious about the words that roll off my tongue.

"I don't understand why you are so moody all the time," She mumbles as she turns on her heels and walks into her room slamming the door behind her.

I walk briskly down the hallway and step into the elevator. I smash my fist against the control panel hitting the button that will take me to the floor that the kitchen is located. I curse at myself knowing I am making a mistake; I am giving in. The moment the doors open I am walking again until I find the door to the kitchen. I push them open disregarding my surroundings not picking up on the fact that I am not alone.

I don't feel the pair of eyes trained on me as I pull apart cupboard after cupboard searching for my saviour; my hell. When my eyes finally fall upon that glass bottle filled with that honey colored liquid do I feel my breath catch in my throat. My hand trembles slightly as I reach towards the bottle wrapping my fingers around the cool glass. This feeling spreads through my fingertips as my throat becomes dry. I hold the bottle up in front of my face keeping my back to the one who is still unknown to me who has their eyes trained on me watching my every movement.

I remove the cap and roll it between my fingers and watch transfixed as the light plays off the bottle casting a faint copper shadow across the surface of my face. I am so close to giving in; so close to going back to my habit of drowning out the world. When will I realize that trying to drown out the world won't ever make it go away?

The world will always stand no matter how much I try to make it disappear. The bottle is only an inch away from my lips and the smell overpowers me. I place one hand on the counter in front of me as a way to keep myself from losing my balance. How weak I must appear on the surface, but nobody would understand the metal war that rages within me.

"I want to drink I need to drink, but I shouldn't drink," I repeat this almost silently to myself in a kind of mantra. Those words ring through my skull as I bring the bottle up to take that one single sip that will surely turn into many more.

Before I can register anything the bottle is smacked out of my hands and shatters against the floor. The glass and honey colored liquid pool around my feet as I look up into the eyes of the girl from District 2.

"You had better thank me for that," She says this as she leans back against the counter crossing her arms.

"Why the hell would I thank you?" I ask her this my tone laced with bitterness. I was so close to losing this never ending battle with myself why did she have to interrupt?

"I can easily tell that you have a problem you idiot," She rolls her eyes saying this as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

I open my mouth to say something, but she interrupts me before I get the chance, "Don't bother arguing with me saying you don't have a problem because I won't believe a single word that spills out of that mouth of yours."

I cross my arms as I glare at Foe, "So what if I have a problem?

"Well if we're going to be allies I want to make sure you're not going to let this make you weak."

"I'm not going to be a part of the career pact," I tell her.

"Neither am I; they're a bunch of morons if you ask me, but you could be useful. My plan was to pretend to be allies with the others then ditch them after the bloodbath. I'll let you think about my offer." She starts to walk away, but stops in the doorway and turns to face me one last time, "And big boy if you're going to give in and drink pick a better tasting alcohol then rum."

With those words she leaves the room leaving me alone once more. I kick at the glass that lays discarded by my feet and before I reach into the cupboard searching for another bottle I leave the kitchen and make my way back towards my room.

I flop down on my bed and bury my face in my pillow as I mull over Foe's offer. Maybe that will be the smartest path for me to take. I exhale softly as I focus on my breathing as my eyes begin to fall shut. I dream of a day where I am not fighting to retain control over my addiction. A day where I can be proud of the man I have grown up to be. For all I know this day may never happen, but then again maybe one day it will.

I shut off my mind closing off the remains of my addiction that continues to edge the outline of my thoughts. I will not give in not tonight. Remaining in control has never been this important until now.


	6. The First Moment We Met

I wake up with a faint frown etched across my lips as I recall the startlingly real dream that crept its way into my mind through the night. It was the memory from eight years ago; I was only ten at the time. It's one of the few memories I posses that I should want to cling onto, but the little I think about her the better. Besides drowning myself in my addiction she was the only other way I was able to escape the harsh reality that was my life. I sit up pushing my blonde hair away from my eyes as I watch the morning sun filter through the window creating shadows to dance across the carpeted floor.

We were in the fifth grade, but even then I towered over most kids and was normally left alone due to the intimidating aura that always surrounded me. I close my eyes and my surroundings seem to melt away. I can picture the schoolyard as if I was just there yesterday. The vibrant green grass stretched towards the pale blue sky as the trees danced in the soft afternoon breeze.

The sound of laughter rung in my ears as I leaned against the school wall minding my own business. That's when I heard it the familiar sick sound of shattering bones. The rare fight that occurred that I was not involved in is something that would catch my interest. I strode across the black pavement warm from the heat of the afternoon sun towards a small group of students that had formed. Most stepped out of my way as I approached and my eyes quickly fell upon the scene in front of me.

A girl a little younger than I was with blonde hair that flickered wickedly in the glow of the sun had an older girl pinned to the ground her face slick with metallic blood. Before I knew what I was doing I easily picked up the blonde haired girl whose hands were now a deep scarlet color. The small droplets rolled off her finger tips as I flung her over my shoulder. Then my eyes fell onto what they were fighting over and I quickly scooped that up as well unnoticed by the small girl squirming in my grasp.

I walk across the schoolyard several eyes paired on me as the whispers grew being carried on the wind. Words such as why would Dane Naylor stop a fight swarm my ears, but that is not what I focus on. I focus on the feel of the girl in my arms who has fallen still as if she knows she stands no chance of getting free of my hold. The only thing that I allow myself to hear is the sound of my feet leaving faint footprints in the ground and the sound of our breathing that intertwines in a sweet melody.

I place her down on a bench and stand there for a moment with my hands behind my back. She watches me closely taking in every one of my features not allowing herself to blink once. I bring my hands out in front of me revealing the small chocolate bar held between my fingertips. With blinding speed she lunges forward and snatches it away from me holding onto it tightly.

"All that over a chocolate bar?" I ask her.

"She took it; you shouldn't take things that don't belong to you," She answers simply as the wind plays through her hair.

"Whatever you say Coco," The nickname seems to roll of my tongue naturally as if it was meant for her.

"Coco?" She says questionably as she tilts her head to the side watching me from beneath her bangs.

"I knew you wouldn't tell me your name."

"Okay," She nods softly remaining quiet for a few brief moments. "Jellybean."

I raise an eyebrow when that nickname for myself spills from her lips.

"I know you won't tell me your name either."

With those words swirling around me do I finally open my eyes the world I once saw melting away from her throwing me back into reality. How could I have known at that age that Coco my Harper would be the girl I would fall in love with. I used to believe love was a useless emotion after being denied it for so long, but she was the one person who wouldn't turn her back on me even in my darkest of times. A pang of guilt washes over me for not saying goodbye to her before I was forced into these Games. What if that was my last chance to hear her voice; my last chance to allow the words I love you to roll off my tongue, or my last time to feel her lips against mine as if they were the pieces to a matched set.

I bury my face in my hands regretting my decision to avoid our final goodbyes. I know there is nothing I can do about it now; what's done is done. It is nothing but a piece of history now. I stand up and get ready to go down to the training hall. With my District 1 standing out proudly on my back warning the other tributes of who I am I make my way down towards the training hall late not caring to hear the briefing.

I walk through the large doors and am greeted by the familiar sound of people training in that soft melody. I let my eyes dance around the room taking in the sight before me. Most seem to be struggling to hold a weapon and I snort in disgust at the way a tribute from a lower District tries to wield a sword. With a sword in my hand is when I am in my element; that is when the arrogant role that I play really shines.

I crack my knuckles and decide to make my way towards the hand to hand combat station not wanting to show off my strengths yet; I can leave the time to show the others exactly what it is I am capable of for a later date like when my sword is pierced cleanly through their chest.

As I approach I notice Aqua easily taking down the trainer with an innocent smirk playing across her features. Once she brings the man twice her size down she twirls on her toes over to me. She places her slender fingers on my chest and looks up at me batting her eyelashes.

"Morning Dane," She purrs my name as I just roll my eyes.

"Can you not touch me," I say simply to her, but in response she spreads out her fingers getting a feel for my chest and at this I push past her. She grabs me roughly by the shoulder and in a split second has me pinned to the ground. She climbs on top of me straddling me and all I do is glare up at her.

"I need a training partner big boy you interested?" She asks me trying to play up the innocent act.

"Like hell I'm interested," I say to her my voice dripping with annoyance; I have no time for her useless games.

She leans down and whispers against my neck, "Oh lighten up I just want to have some fun."

At this I flip us over so I am on top; I pin her hands to the ground above her head my patience growing thin. After my near break down the previous night I am already set on edge and she is only making matters worse.

"So you like being on top I see," She smirks lightly as she brings her legs up wrapping them around my waist.

"Would you two get a room nobody wants to witness this," The sound of Foe's voice reaches my ears as I remove myself from Aqua's hold and stand back up brushing myself off.

"You know you're just jealous because he wants me," Aqua says this as she stands back up running her hand through her long blonde hair.

Foe bursts into laughter at her words, "You caught me I want Dane all to myself."

I narrow my eyes at Foe as she struggles to control her laughter, "Just for the record I don't want anyone." I curse under my breath as my patience has reached its breaking point already and make my way over to the sword station.

"You know where my room is big boy," Aqua calls after me in that daunting tone of hers.

I can see the boy from one of the lower Districts still clumsily trying to get the handle of a sword meant for only those who know how to wield one. I push him aside and snatch the sword from his grasp.

"What the hell just because you're a career doesn't mean you can just push me around like that," The boy snaps at me.

"Actually that's exactly what it means," I say in a tone laced with arrogance as I point my sword menacingly in his direction. At the sight of the wicked curve of the blade in the hands of someone who knows what he is doing the boy decides to stalk off leaving me in peace.

The feel of the cool metal pressed into my palms is familiarly soothing. I breathe out slowly as I twist my body around in a seemingly unnatural angle the blade slicing through the air cleanly decapitating a dummy. I straighten up and watch as the fake blood spews from the wound dripping like a waterfall over the dummies surface coating it in crimson.

"So I see you aren't completely useless," I turn around to see Foe leaning casually against a weapons rake with her arms crossed lightly across her chest.

I flip my sword dangerously in my hand, but she seems unphased by this display, "Being a career I have trained."

"I just figured you spent all your time drinking not in the training hall," At the mention of my drinking I narrow my eyes at her.

"You don't need to bring that up," I mumble angrily.

"I swear you are more moody than most teenage girls," Foe says with a shrug as she pulls a knife out of her belt and begins casually flipping it through her fingers not seeming bothered by how close the flawless steel comes to coming in contact with her flesh.

All I do is roll my eyes as I walk closer to her dropping my voice, "I've been thinking about your offer."

She glances up at me at these words, "And?"

"I'm in," A small smirk plays across my features at the thought of blindsiding the rest of the careers.

"Perfect, we can plan out our strategy later as for now just play nice with the rest of the careers," At this Foe wanders off to the knife station.

I move across the floor my sword still held firmly in my grasp as I perform a deadly dance as if I was in real combat. I duck and twirl moving my feet in complicated intricate steps. My sword slices through the air gracefully as I imagine taking the life of the final tribute. I begin to wonder what it is like to end a life. I have never been the cause of someone drawing their last breath, but in these games it is bound to happen. If I want to return home it is going to happen; I can no longer deny the fact that I will have to kill.

My eyes fall on Foe who is throwing knives with a deadly accuracy; she is my only real ally in these games and she may have to die by my hands. She catches my gaze and I can tell that the same thoughts are rippling across her mind. We both look away and I toss my sword to the floor. I watch the few other tributes mulling about some appearing to form friendships and I can't stop the small snort that escapes me. If only they realized how foolish they are being; friendship is just another thing the Capitol will take pleasure in ripping apart.


	7. Twisted Web Of Lies

The sound of mindless chatter is all that can be herd flitting about in the air around us. The dining hall is where alliances become apparent; this is where we define where we stand. This is where we careers study the groups we will be up against; deciding who we will strike down first. My eyes flit about the room taking in each separate group of tributes that has formed. Several are smaller alliances who eat like they have never had a decent meal in their life; which for many probably holds true.

My eyes fall down to my own plate which I have barely touched. Food was something that was not a rarity back in District 1. It was seen more as a right than a privilege.

"As the leader of this year's career pact I am calling first dibs on blood I want to spill," Aqua announces with a wicked smile creeping along the delicate curve of her lips.

"And what if we don't agree?" The drawling sound of Damien's voice laced with bloodlust interjects into the conversation. I watch the ways his eyes flicker across the room, as if he is imagining the heads of the tributes around us exploding in a sweet harmony, painting the walls in a deep crimson. The dark look that graces his features is something that would send chills down the spines of the tributes that come from the lower Districts. There is something sinister residing in this boy from District 2; something born from nothing more than bloodlust and dark desires. His eyes seem to be glazed over, as if he is somewhere far away. I follow his gaze which is transfixed on the smooth satin flesh of the girl of District 9's neck. He licks his lips hungrily and the thoughts that must be going through his mind is enough to send shudders riveting through my entire body. He is one that will need to be watched; he is one that cannot be trusted on any level.

"I never once said you had to agree, but you don't have any say in the matter," Aqua says in her cool commanding tone. I notice Foe roll her eyes at this comment, as Avery crosses her arms leaning back in her chair. A small smirk dances its way across my lips at the thought of Avery who plays up this roll of a spoiled career girl who has been casted to the side. She believes that this is all just an act to blindside the other careers, but if she only knew I was playing her from both sides. My mind falls to the memory of the night before.

I was one of the last ones to be in the training hall; I danced across the room, as if I was a part of a deadly dance with my wicked blade held tightly between my fingertips. The blade cut cleanly through the air leaving a wisp of cold air in its wake. A dangerous smile tugged at my lips, as my eyes fell upon the mutilated dummies standing before me. Each one pouring out fake deep scarlet blood that coated their surface in the slick metallic liquid.

"It's easy to tell you have been training for the greater part of your life," I turned around to see Avery watching my every movement closely.

"That would be because I have Avery," I answered back coolly, placing my sword back on the stand it belonged to. My eyes followed the sharp edge of the sword imagining just how much havoc I could wreck upon the other tributes in the arena with that blade held between my grasp.

"Dane, I'm going to make this simple and easy. I do not like Aqua being in charge of the career pact. I know she is looking out for nobody except herself," At these words I put up my hand cutting her off in mid sentence.

"Isn't that what we are all doing?" I ask her calmly. I know we may all be part of an alliance, but in reality we all know the only person that really matters is ourselves and nothing else. We are all capable of doing what we must to reach the top; to use others to our advantage then crush them beneath us when we see the time is fitting.

In response a scowl intertwines its way into her features, "Let me finish, as I was saying before you cut me off she is not the best choice for us to follow. She will do nothing, but destroy us when she sees fit. What I am proposing that since we are District partners one night we slaughter them all in their sleep and take off on our own," As she speaks she slowly takes several steps closer to me and drops her voice to nothing more than a whisper.

I had to bite my lip to stop the smirk that threatened to spill onto my features. This is where I see how I can use Avery to my needs then cast her to the sides when I no longer need her. To Avery's knowledge her and I are now working together to take down the rest of the careers. To the rest of our so called alliance we are all sticking together until we will be forced to turn on one another, but in reality my alliance rests with Foe and Foe alone. How tangled up have I gotten myself into in these games of secrets and lies that we play. My addiction only seems to give me that edge which both threatens to tear me down piece by piece until there is nothing left or it helps give me that determination to step on who I must to free myself from this; this way I can start over fresh, new beginnings after the storm.

"I want to be the one who mutilates the pair from District 12, as from day one they have done nothing, but get on my nerves," The sound of Aqua's voice jolts me back into what has now become my reality.

"I want the District 3 tributes; I always thought tributes from there would have more brains then those two have," Sterling the boy from District 4 adds.

"Nobody out of the twenty three rest of us could be lest intelligent than you," Foe mutters under her breath; her comment aimed at Sterling, but it only reaches my ears. This comment forces a small snicker to escape my lips which in response receives me a sharp jab in the ribs by Foe's elbow. I glare at her, but the look I receive in response scolds me to fall back into my usual composure.

"Now who would you like to tall dibs on Dane?" Aqua bats her eyelashes at me in a way one would presume is nothing but innocence. The words that I want to spill from my lips would have me thrown out of this alliance faster than I could blink my eyes. More than anything else I want Aqua to be the one that dies by my hands, but instead a different choice of words rolls off my tongue.

"I want the boy from District 8 and the girl from District 7."

Aqua opens her mouth to respond, but before anyone gets the opportunity I feel something cool being spilt onto the front of my shirt. I glance up to see the horrified look of the girl from District 6, as she realizes she dumped her drink all over me. A scowl plays across my features, as I stand up. The girl slowly backs up, as Foe bursts into laughter behind me.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to," She stumbles over her words realizing she has probably just found the one who is going to take her life in the arena. Most know that something as petty as this in some cases can be enough to make a career want to crave their blood.

"Also add this girl to my list of tributes I have dibs on to kill," I say to the rest of the careers, as I make my way out of the dining hall the sounds of Foe's laughter still echoing off the walls behind me. I walk into the elevator trying to relentlessly brush the drink off my shirt; the moment the doors are about to close Aqua slides in-between the thin space. She stands in front of me with her hands on her hips and her lips pursed together. She takes a step towards me and in response I back up into the wall.

"Dane why must you act this way?" She tilts her head to the side allowing her blonde hair to roll off her shoulders in sweet waves. "This is all harmless fun that I want and nothing more."

"I have someone back home," I say simply, as I wish I could melt back into the wall behind me disappearing from her clutches.

"She would never have to know," Aqua says this as she leans in whispering against my neck. She places her hands on my damp shirt and slowly begins to ride it up with the palms of her hands. I place my hands over hers and try to move them away, but she just tightens her hold digging her talon like fingernails into my flesh.

"Aqua let go of me now," I say to her through my teeth.

"You need to learn how to relax," She whispers seductively in my ear. "I always get what I want," As she says this she bites down on my neck forcing a soft moan to escape my lips.

"Not this time," I say harshly, as the elevator doors open. I see this as my escape and push her away from me. This sudden movement is enough to knock her off balance and gives me time to briskly reach my escape. I can hear her calling after me in the distance, but I continue to press forward. I refuse to be anyone's play toy in this twisted web of games we have created.

**Thank you to those of you that have been reviewing keep it up ;D**


	8. One Step Closer To The Edge

I lay splayed out across my bed, as deep chills intertwine their way through my body. I know what it is my body craves, but I cannot allow it to take control of my body. I close my eyes tightly, as my breathing becomes shallow. "Damn withdrawal," I mutter under my breath, as I mentally count how many days it has been since the alluring burning sensation that alcohol brings forth has danced across my tongue. Several weeks it has been now; the longest I have gone without giving into my addiction in years.

How is it that it took being reaped to realize just how much I was destroying my life? My thoughts begin to run away from me, as they begin to ponder the idea of what would have happened to what is left of me if I hadn't been reaped for this year's Hunger Games. A dark image begins to creep its way across my vision, of an eerie alley that holds the power to send shivers down even the bravest of soul's spines. Deep in that alley a boy no older then eighteen lays face down in the dirt, his final breath having been swept away into the cold night air.

A bottle lays discarded next to him; the sweet honey colored liquid pouring across the pavement into the lowly gutter. That boy gave into his deepest of desires and he paid the price for it. Now there he lays alone in an alleyway, forgotten to the rest of the world that we call Panem. His breath taking clear blue eyes are now glazed over, as the shimmer of the stars are reflected in the surface of his cold dead eyes. All the life has been drawn out of him by his own choices. However no one would be able to understand that he did not want the life to leave his eyes.

No one can understand what it is like to be so wrapped up into an addiction, with seemingly no way out. Help is not something he wanted to seek, as he didn't want to be seen as weak. He did not want the world to know that in reality he was nothing more than a broken shell of the boy he used to be. He was supposed to be one of the toughest careers to ever emerge from the haven of District 1, but instead they broke him. They shattered him from the inside and discarded the pieces without as much as a second thought.

Now those broken pieces were beyond repair and no one could put them back together. He didn't want to be weak, but that is what he had succumbed to. He would never allow the rest of the world to pay witness to that, which is why he would wear a mask. This mask hid everything that he truly was from the rest of the world; keeping all his secrets buried deep beneath the surface. These secrets held the power to destroy him even further and that is exactly what it is they did.

Night after night of his youth and later young adult years he would waste away the hours either alone at a bar or secluded alone in his room, with a bottle of that desirable honey colored liquid held tightly between his clutches. He could not stop himself and in a way he didn't want to at that point. He didn't see the point in going on so he went about numbing himself to the point where he couldn't feel anything. No one can understand how alluring the feeling of numbness can truly be. It calls you forth like a sweet Siren's song and holds you as its prisoner. There is nothing one can do once it wraps its cold icy claws around your flesh.

The power that precious bottle of liquor held, was something only the boy could see. No one could grasp why he so desired to drink his way into nothing and in a way he didn't quite understand either. An addiction is something not everyone experiences, but the ones that do know it is something that one cannot easily turn their backs on. Once it has its hold on you, it is almost impossible to let go.

I breathe in sharply, as the image of the lifeless boy's features begins to become more apparent and I know that boy is me. If I had not been reaped, death still would have been what awaited me. Internal numbness is what I would have to look forward to, but now I refuse to let go.

What is it that I exactly fight for now?

I fight for the chance of a new beginning; a chance to start over once more. As I rub my temples softly I know this won't be something easily achieved. Not only must I fight against my own demons that threaten to tear me down until there is nothing left, but now I must face twenty three other human beings who want to see my crimson blood painted across the grass.

My mind continues to drift further away from me, as memories blur their way across my mind. An ear splitting sound of glass shattering against the cold stone of a wall sends me head first into a memory of one of the last nights I spent with Harper.

It was late and the cool autumn air playfully drifted through the open windows, bringing with it the sweet smells that Nature can call forth. I walked through the door with a bottle of rum hidden beneath my jacket. I was giving in once more, but I was intent on keeping this as just another secret I would keep hidden from Harper. I walked through the living room my intentions on just heading straight to my room, but the moment her eyes fell upon me, she stopped me in my tracks.

After that one night where I was a finger's grasp away from departing from this world, Harper had become more wary of my actions. She didn't want to lose me to my addiction, but she knew she was fighting a war she could not win. With no words surrounding us, she stood up and walked towards me, as she placed a delicate hand on my chest. She leaned in, as if she was about to press her lips against my own, but instead she reached into my jacket and pulled the bottle of rum away from me.

She looked down at the bottle and a look of hurt intertwined its way into her features. "Why?" She said barely above a whisper and in response I tried to snatch the bottle back from her, "Just give it back," I muttered, as the only thing I could think about was driving myself into a world of nothing. In a blink of an eye anger slowly took over her, as she threw the bottle across the room so it collided with the wall. The deep honey colored liquid stained the smooth surface of the wall, as the sound of shattering glass echoed in my ears.

I tried to shove past her, but instead she grabbed onto my arms and pulled me back to her. "Why must you do this to yourself Dane? Do you not care about anything anymore?" He tone had begun to rise to a level she rarely used.

"Do you really want to hear my answer to that?" I replied back to her harshly.

"You need to choose now Dane; it's either the alcohol or me," It took a moment for her words to settle upon me, but once they did I knew I needed to be careful about my next choice of actions. In a moment my lips collided with hers and they were filled with an angry passion. This was a decision that would not be easily made, but I would play my cards out at a later date.

Our kisses were always rough and normally brought on by the heat of an argument. Fingernails would scratch across the surface of skin, as teeth would tug at the delicate curve of each other's lips. The way our lips pressed against each other's was as if we knew this may be the last time we would ever get to feel this intoxicating sensation, but if only we knew that those kisses would be our last.

With our arms intertwined around each other we began to lose ourselves in the sensation of pleasure, as we walked backwards towards my room. Clothes would be torn away from each other's bodies, as we slowly began to give into what we both wanted. My lips crushed against hers, as we fell backwards onto the bed; I poured every emotion that I held onto into that one seemingly simple sensation. All the pain, hate, despair, happiness and even the emotions my addiction could bring forth were blended together into that one crushing kiss.

However the lovemaking that would follow was always sweet and gentle, as if we were both afraid one of us might just break. It would leave us both breathless, as we lay in each other's arms, as if we were each other's life line. In many ways Harper was my life line, as she was the only thing holding me to this world. I long to go back to that moment of almost serene peace, but my mind is dragged back into my reality unwilling by the sound of a sharp knocking on my door.

I snap my eyes open, but I do not move an inch. Perhaps if I act as if I am not here this unwanted visitor will leave me be. A few moments of silence drag on by until the sounds of the sharp knocking ring through the air once more. I unwillingly stand up and swing open the door. "What the hell do you-" I cut myself off, as my eyes fall upon the form of Aqua. She stands tall, as she keeps her hands hidden behind her back. I go to slam the door in her face, but before I can she swiftly steps into the room uninvited.

"Get out of my room now," I growl quietly, as she walks further into my room, but she makes sure whatever it is that she hides behind her back remains unknown to me.

"Now Dane, is that any way to speak to a lady who is just here to discuss strategy with you?" Her voice is one that oozes innocence, but I know she is anything but that. I open my mouth to say something, but I fall silent once she brings her hands into sight and reveals what it is she is holding.

"I thought we could share a few drinks while we discuss plans for the bloodbath," As she speaks my eyes remain transfixed upon the bottle, which is held delicately between her clutches. My entire body craves to take the bottle from her and take it for myself, but instead my entire form falls still.

I now know what angle she is playing at, she must have figured out my one real weakness. This is where these games are brought to a whole new level and hold a new air of danger about them. How much longer can I possibly go without giving in when temptation is everywhere I look? No matter where it seems I go my addiction will follow close after me. With Aqua steeping closer to me with a wicked smile dancing across her lips I know I am that much closer to falling over the edge; just that much closer to finally giving in.

**A/N So let me know what you think so far, as I'm still not even quite sure where it is I am taking this story and some feedback would be great to hear ^^**


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